Words of Encouragement You Never Wanted to Hear

It's been almost 2 years since my last post.  I can't really tell you why, but I can tell you why NOT - it's not that I am OK.  It's not that I've finished my journey of grief and restoration.  Nope.  I'm convinced that I'll take this journey until my own Glory Day, or the Second Advent of Christ - whichever comes first.  Full restoration doesn't come on this side of Paradise.

But have I experienced any healing or restoration? Absolutely.

And it's out of that healing that this post comes from.  Recently I've gotten several requests from friends on how they might be of service to loved ones who have suffered the loss of a child.  And I've gotten to talk with some of the moms who are just beginning an excruciatingly painful journey.  I put together a list that I shared with them, and thought I'd share it here, in the hopes that others may be well-served.  (I plan to do a separate post of my go-to scriptures.)

My prayer for those that will read this, and my intention for writing, is simply this:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

So here they are, words of encouragement I never wanted to be able to share:

• Despite what people may think or say, you have ___ kids (including your Baby who is safe in the arms of God)
• It will be hard when people ask you how many kids you have, but I encourage you to answer with Baby in that number.  It will probably feel weird when you don’t
• You don’t have to “get over this” or “move past it”
• You are not alone, though it may feel like it, there are other parents who have suffered similar losses; but even though that is true, no one knows EXACTLY how you feel; your experience is unique because it’s yours
• Try as best you can to not play “what if?” games - the hard truth is that the Lord numbers our days, and there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome
• People are going to say well-intentioned, stupid stuff; if possible, don’t take everything to heart people share
• On the other hand, the silence of people can be deafening - people will want to say things to you, but out of fear they will keep silent; this is a terrible pain that we shouldn’t have to deal with
• The new normal is something you’ll have to adjust to; you don’t have to like it, but you will learn to adjust to it
• You will walk this journey for the rest of your life; I’m only 3 years ahead of you on it, but I can tell you that, by the grace of the Lord, the intensity now is not what it was in the first year
• Time doesn’t heal all wounds - only  the God of all comfort can do that
• This has forever marked your soul, we may not be branded with a huge letter that identifies us as the grieving mom, but we have to accept this is a part of us now - not the whole of our identity, but a part
• Sorrow will come unexpectedly at times, like a wave - I encourage you to lean into that wave and feel what you need to feel - Yell, scream, cry, do nothing, etc.
• As much as possible, grieve with your husband.  You will both probably grieve differently, but try to do it together;
• The bond of marriage is weakened greatly through the loss of a child, there will be hard days in your marriage - just take it one day at a time; You’ll probably feel like you don’t have enough energy to mourn your baby and care for your spouse
• There is no one way or right way to grieve - feel free to grieve as you need
• The journey ahead will seem overwhelming - if possible just try to focus on the day, take it one day at a time; scripture tells us God gives us new mercies daily; So exhaust the day’s mercies, and wake up tomorrow confident that there will be more
• Your body will take a physical toll - I am convinced grief is a sickness, but most people won’t understand this; Try to take care of yourself physically as best you can, this is hugely beneficial to me in this healing process
• I call it a healing process, because I don’t think I’ll ever have FULL healing here - when I’m in Heaven with Christ and my son Chase, I will be fully restored and healed; in the meantime, I’m taking this journey of restoration one day at a time
• Never feel the need to be “thankful” for this loss - I’ve heard parents say that they were grateful for what they learned, or the opportunities they had to minister to others through the loss of a child, but that DOES NOT mean they are thankful for the loss
• Journaling was a very helpful exercise for me - I was able to write letters to Chase, and write about my memories of him, hopes & dreams for him, etc.

Resources I found Helpful

• www.griefshare.org - You can sign up to receive daily emails, they also have groups around the country that you can join (I didn’t join a group, but have heard great things about them)
• M.E.N.D - Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death - http://mend.org/support/

Books

• Heaven by Randy Alcorn
• Save in the Arms of God by John MacArthur
• From Grief to Glory by James W. Bruce III
• The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie
• I Will Carry You by Angie Smith - this was given to me, but I haven’t read it yet