Milestones

Each month comes with its own set of milestones.  But September has been a month of somewhat more weighty milestones than others.

On September 2, Ted and I celebrated 7 years of marriage.  We toasted to God's grace getting us through almost 6 months of grief.  Probably not something you're gonna find on an anniversary card.

Some of the milestones, unfortunately, are what I call missed milestones.

September 14 Chase would have been 18 months old.  But there was no doctor's appointment. There was no weight check and a new percentile to write down and tell my family and friends.  I didn't get to have the fun conversations with my mom friends about how huge Chase was in comparison to their kids.  How his Samoan and Guillory genes were showing out!

Chase didn't get to accompany me this year to dropping Jaden off at his first day of preschool. He didn't get to see Jaden at sports class, hit the ball the farthest off the T. He wasn't sitting in my lap as we watched Jaden attempt his first karate class last night.  It seems that for every milestone or new experience we go through with Jaden, not only do we mourn the fact that little brother is not there to watch, but we have to mourn the truth that little brother won't get the chance to do those activities.

And then there's the non-missed milestones, the actual ones that you really don't want to hit.

Monday, September 23 marked 6 months of Chase being safe in the arms of God in Heaven.  On Monday the tension of the bleeding, yet triumphant, heart was intensified.  On one side I was thankful that he's OK, that I'll see him again, that the end of this story is happy.  Yet on the other side I was immobilized by heartache, taken down to a pit that I'll seem to never escape.

But it's in that pit where I have had some sweet moments with the Lord.  I'll write more about those later, but I find this C.S. Lewis quote to be beautifully and painfully true:

"Pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains." 

God is shouting in these milestones - both missed and actual, and He has graciously given me ears to hear.

Death Has Died

Music has been such a huge part of my restoration process.  So today I just wanted to share another song that has been instrumental (no pun intended) on this journey.  This song has been very encouraging, especially to me and Jaden.  It's called "Death Has Died" and it's from Andy Mineo's album Heroes for Sale.

This song is a celebration of the truth that one day there will be no more death.  Because of sin this world is broken, our hearts are broken.  Through the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, those who love and worship him can have healed hearts, and restored fellowship with God the Father.  We still live, however, in a broken world.  A world with sin, suffering, disease, disaster, despair.

But there is a day coming when Christ will return and all will be made new. The sad things will become untrue. Tears of pain and sadness will be no more - God will wipe them all away. The song chants near the end "AND DEATH WILL BE DEAD AND WE'LL LOCK THE CASKET, YES!!"  I shout this truth in excitement every time I hear the song.

Not only has it been so healing for me, but since Jaden is such a fan of hip-hop, especially all things Reach Records, it has allowed us to have some beautiful conversations.  He listens intently to the lyrics and then asks me questions:

"Andy said his Grandma died.  Just like Chasey died?"

"God is going to one day wipe away every tear from my eyes?"

We discuss topics that I never thought I'd talk about with my 3 year old, but I'm praying the Lord would allow the seeds that are being planted to blossom into truths that Jaden embraces and believes, truths that he'll anchor his life on.

This weekend I attended the Unashamed Conference in Atlanta and was reminded by Francis Chan that, as believers in Christ, we know there is a better day coming, and that's why we can be unashamed of the gospel. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:19 "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied." But he goes on to explain that Christ has in fact raised from the dead! And those in him have an amazing future hope! A hope that includes forever-life and the destruction of every enemy! The last enemy to be destroyed is death! (1 Corinthians 15:26)

PRAISE GOD!!

I included the video just so you could hear the song and I put the lyrics below because there are a few that are off in the video (the errors don't change the meaning, but I wanted to be true to the Artist's original words).

It was just last week that my grandma died
It's been years since I've seen family on my fathers side
A bitter sweet, moment but tell me why
Nothing less then the sting of death brought us together 
I sat and listened to the priest tell lies
To appease loved ones in their seats
When you looking at a face that's weaping
The grim truth wont bring'em no peace
So I put on, all white gloves like Mr. Jackson
Carried the casket to the Cadillac then
I realized this is the first time that me and my brothers ever did something together
Whatever, I'm grown now come on let's just put on the smiles
And take pictures, take pictures
Uh
Eat this humble pie then leave them dishes
For somebody else to clean 'em until I see ya'll again

(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
Everything here is breaking down
(Br-br-Breakin' down, breakin' down)
It's all breaking down down down
(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
Everything here is breaking down 
(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
But this wont be forever no

You used to make me cry
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes
He'll come make all things right
And we'll sing death has died

But until that day
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh
This won't be forever
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh,
This won't be for ever

I hopped off the plane
My God, what a scene that I seen on that TV screen
People huddled round, hands on they mouth
Not again, same problem, it hit a new town
26 dead, 20 of 'em kids
Where do you begin when some lives just ended?
And everybody got the question:
If God's so good how He let this happen?
Is it mental health? Is it gun control?
Is it we make superstars out of animals?
Is it the movies we make? The video games?
I dunno, but God I want an antidote
All I know is this world is broken
Our sin is the reason it ain't like it's supposed to 
Words fall short tryna comfort the grieving
But you gotta know that there's hope to believe in
One day my God gon' crack the sky
He gon' bottle up every tear that we ever cried
Bring truth to every lie, justice for ever crime
All our shame will be gone and we'll never have to hide
No more broken hearts, no more broken homes
No more lockin' doors, no more cops patrollin'
No abusive words, or abusive touches
No more cancerous cells that'll take our loved ones
No more hungry kids, no more natual disaster
No child will ever have to ask where his dad is
No funerals where we wear all black
And death will be dead and we'll lock the casket
Yes!

You used to make me cry (you used to make me cry)
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes (every tear from our eyes)
He'll come make all things right (all things right)
And we'll sing death has died
But until that day
You used to make me cry (you used to make me cry)
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes (every tear from our eyes)
He'll come make all things right
And we'll sing death has died

But until that day
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh
This won't be forever
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh,
This won't be forever

Big Brother - Part 2: Praying for Him

This season has been especially hard on Jaden.

I've heard it described by other moms who have experienced the loss of a child as a season of "empty arms."  That's true of me and Ted.  And it's true for Jaden too.

He has empty arms. 

He's missing his little brother, his buddy. He doesn't have him here to pick up and rescue from potentially dangerous situations.  He doesn't have his little buddy to toss the ball to. He doesn't have his little buddy to push over and wrestle. His arms are empty, and it breaks my heart. 

I'm trusting God that He has a greater plan for Jaden than I do, one that's better than I can even imagine.   I'm constantly reminding myself that He is good, and I'm praying that He'll use this in Jaden's life for Jaden's good and for His glory.  All of me wants to take all the pain off of Jaden and bear it myself, but I know I can't do that.

For reasons that I don't know, God is allowing Jaden to bear part of this burden, this pain, so I'm asking you to please partner with me in praying for him.  I've included some scripture-prayers beneath each request, because I know there is so much power in God's Word.

1. Pray for his salvation

Father, I am begging that Jaden would be "predestined for adoption as a son through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of your will, to the praise of your glorious grace, with which you have blessed us in the Beloved." (Ephesians 1:5-6).

2. Pray for his protection from evil

Father, I humble myself before you, my God, to seek from you a safe journey for me and Ted, and for our child, Jaden. (Ezra 8:21).  Father I plead to you, my God, to set a guard as a protection against us, against Jaden, day and night (Nehemiah 4:9).

3. Pray that he would experience God's comfort

Blessed are you, the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). May Jaden experience your comfort today and everyday.

4. Pray that he would develop a right understanding of God, sin, death and the gospel, and that he would believe these truths

Sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.  But the free gift is not like the trespass.  For if many died through one man's trespass, much more have the grace of God and the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many. (Romans 5:12, 15).  Father, I pray that Jaden would receive Christ Jesus the Lord, believe his truths, and so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith (Colossians 2:6-7).

5. Pray that, as he grows older and understands more of what happened, he would be driven to joy, healing and restoration, never bitterness, unrighteous anger or despair

Father God, you said "Let light shine out of darkness," so shine in Jaden's heart and give him the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ Jesus. And may he believe that though he is afflicted in every way, he is not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted but not forsaken; struck down but never destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:6, 8). Father, your restoration is what I pray for (2 Corinthians 13:9). 

6. Pray that he would develop a loving relationship with Baby Sonny and any other children we may have

Father, let Jaden's love for all his siblings be genuine. Help him to abhor what is evil and hold fast to what is good. May he truly love them with brotherly affection. May he outdo them in honor. (Romans 12:9-10). 

7. Pray that this experience would grow in him a deep love, compassion and empathy for others

Father, you have given a new commandment through your son, that we love one another: just as He has loved us, we also are to love one another (John 13:34). Lord, help Jaden to love like Jesus, with a deep care, concern, and compassion for others. 

Big Brother - Part 1: Bragging on Him

From the time we told Jaden that I had a baby in my womb, he seemed to have this super sweet connection to the unborn child. I showed Jaden the first ultrasound picture we had of the newest member of our family and asked him who it was. Without hesitation, and almost with this "Duh? Who else would it be, Mom?" look on his face, he said Squirrel! So that became the baby's nickname - Baby Squirrel.

When Baby Squirrel was born we named him Chase and Jaden was finally able to hold his little brother. He did such a great job of holding him (with assistance of course) within the first two hours of Chase's life outside the womb. He seemed to be so amazed at this new little person. He just kept trying to touch Chase's nose and cheeks and mouth and eyes. We could just tell that he'd do so great as big bro. 

And he did.

From the beginning, Jaden never seemed to be jealous of Chase, or the attention that Chase was getting from me or Ted.  We don't have stories of Jaden ripping toys out of Chase's hand, or acting out for attention.  Now, when Chase was about 3 weeks old, Jaden clawed him in the face.  It left a mark on Chase's face for a while.  But I don't think Jaden was being malicious, I think he was trying to just figure out more about this new little moving thing - "Is he a toy or a person like me?" was the question we thought Jaden was trying to answer in those first few weeks.  But he soon figured out that Chase was a little boy just like him.

As Chase grew older, Jaden's love and concern for him deepened, and his ability to play more rough with him grew as well.  Jaden would hold Chase's hands and sing him songs, clapping Chase's hands together before he was able to. He'd throw balls at his face, so excited to play catch, and then be kinda sad when Chase couldn't catch the ball.

Jaden would push Chase over and wrestle with him - they both would laugh.  He'd lay on top of Chase, grab him, and then roll over so that Chase was now on top.  Chase loved it.  He would smile so big.  When Chase started to crawl at 9 months, Jaden would pick him up and carry him (usually by standing behind him and picking him up near his neck) away from things that he thought would be dangerous.  He'd tell him "No, no Chase. That's dangerous."  (I was always close by to rescue Chase from this almost-headlock)

Jaden would rap to Chase and try to make him dance. When we went out and he saw random people, or if someone came over, he'd tell them, "Hi. I'm Jaden. Say hi to my brother Chasey Chase."

Jaden was of course rough, though he was growing in gentleness.  But all things he did were just out of this sincere love for his brother.  He kissed and hugged Chase all the time. He'd get in his face and laugh, and you could tell that sometimes Chase was annoyed by this.  

But that didn't stop Jaden.

Jaden would blow kisses on Chase's tummy and his back until Chase smiled.  Without being asked, when Chase dropped his toy in his car seat and couldn't reach it, Jaden would pick it up and put it back in his hand.  When Jaden came in my room when he woke up in the morning, as soon as he saw Chase sitting with me, he'd smile real big and say "Hey Buddy!"

He loved his brother. 

And he still does.