Now What?

I realized today, as we entered into a new month, that I hadn't updated my blog in a while.  Then I started to assume that people would think that meant I was ok, healed, done with grief forever.

That's not true.

On March 23 this year we celebrated the anniversary of Chase's Glory Day.  And as much as I want to say it was a celebration of Chase being free from this sinful world for a year, it wasn't.  I want him here.  Maybe that's selfish, but it's true.  What it was was a celebration of the Lord sustaining us through 365 days of grief, agony, horror, confusion.  It was a celebration where we got to thank the people who stood by us in all the good, bad, and ugly of the past year.

It was a beautiful day.

But when we woke up on March 24, the question of "Now What?" lingered over us.  What do we do now?  Where do we go from here?

I don't have the full answer, but what I've resolved is to just go with the Lord one day at a time.  He got us through year 1 of grief, and He'll sustain us through year 2, and 3, and so on...

We are not fully healed, and we won't be on this side of life.  The Lord is continuing to heal us, but there is a continual pain we experience because of Chase's absence.

We are forever changed.  We will never be the same people we were on March 22, 2013.  Those people are gone.  And that's OK.  This experience has forever marked our souls, so there's no going back to what we were.  The only option is to continue to learn the "new normal." To learn how to walk with a limp.

We will forever view life through a different grid.  Whether discussing how to sleep train your baby or how to live with an eternal perspective, we will view life with a changed grid.  Our perspective is changed.  And that's OK.

But in all the changes, we will continue to grieve as those who have hope.  Why?  Because we truly do have hope.

Thank you again for your continued prayers.  To borrow a phrase from Ted's new album promo:

I am human.  I am hurt.  I am His.

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

1 Thessalonians 4:13

Fast Forward

I started drafting this blog back in July.  It was originally going to be a post about how I just wanted to push the fast forward button.  I didn't want to experience the pain.  I didn't want to feel how much it hurt.  I just wanted time to instantaneously move me to a date far far in the future.

Obviously time doesn't work like that.  And I'm grateful it doesn't.  I didn't get to skip over the past 8 months.  And I'm not upset about that.  I have experienced the Lord like never before in the past year.  I'm not thankful to be separated from my Sweetums; I am grateful for how the Lord showed up, how He proved Himself to be just who He says He is.

In those first months of grief, the days seemed to move by so slowly. But somewhere along our journey, it seems that time has picked up its pace.  After December 15 I looked at Callen in awe. How are you already here?  How did my pregnancy go by so fast?

Now the question is, how are we already well into the month of March?  It came around much faster than I ever thought it would.  And I can honestly say that I am not scared of it anymore.

March is such a full month for our family.  We celebrated Ted's birthday this past Saturday, and we'll celebrate Chase's birthday tomorrow.  Then we'll celebrate Chase's Glory Day (this is how I currently refer to it) on the 23rd, and then 5 days later we'll remember the day of his burial and life celebration at the church.  To my surprise, I am actually looking forward to celebrating my Sweetums with family and friends.

I want to thank you all for praying for us as these significant milestones approach.  The Lord has calmed our hearts in so many ways.  We can, again, tangibly feel the prayers of the saints.  Please keep us in your prayers as the month continues.

Mind, Body, Spirit

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  

1 Thessalonians 5:23

Kay Arhtur says, "Many times it’s very hard for people who are grieving to read the Word because the pain is so great, because they cannot concentrate, because their thoughts keep running back to their pain or to the situation or to the wound, and it’s hard to focus.”  God’s Word brings healing, growth, and life. By reading His Word daily, you will be prepared to face anything the day may bring. You will be victorious in all areas—physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual—through Christ.

GriefShare Daily Emails, Day 297

When I took Tae Kwan Do in eight grade I had a shirt that read "MIND, BODY, SPIRIT."  I had no idea what it meant.

But now I'm finally beginning to.  

One of the biggest things my eyes have been opened to in this season is how whole, connected, the Lord created us as individuals.  (And as groups, maybe I'll blog about that later).  What I mean by whole is the idea of the interdependence of our body, our thoughts, our emotions, our spirit.  They are not-siloed, as I once thought, each operating in parallel lanes never to affect the others.  They intertwine.

I first realized this when I gave just a tiny bit of thought to crying.  Simple, yet profound, truths began to be clear.  When I reach a high enough level of sadness my body responds with my eyes leaking water.  When I reach a high enough level of anger my heart starts to beat faster, my temperature rises, sometimes my face gets red.  When I reach a high enough level of nervousness or fear my stomach hurts.  But what's happening to my body when I don't reach those high enough amounts?  What are my emotions doing to my body? 

My big "AHA!" phrase of 2013 became - Everything affects everything else.

Emotions affect my body.  Thoughts affect my body.  My body affects my emotions.  And so on and so on.

As I continued to learn more, I found that both the Scriptures and science agree on this issue.  I was overwhelmed to read about scientific studies proving that negative thinking could affect your physical health (and vice versa).  Proverbs 4:23 in the New Century translation reads "Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life."  I started to pay attention to my thoughts.

Then I started to pay attention to my emotions.  I would walk in a room and simply smell cookies baking and for a second I'd just feel happy.  I'd go to a spa and hear slow music, smell massage oils, and almost immediately feel calm, relaxed, less anxious.  My heart would beat a little bit slower.  Smells affect my emotions? Ok.  

Then I started to pay attention to my body.  When I got a good night's sleep I was more polite, less irritable.  When I worked out I was a little less on edge.  My physical health affects my emotions, how I treat peole? Ok. John Piper says we should exercise the body for the sake of the soul. I am beginning to really understand what he means. 

I could keep going with examples.  I'm sure these ideas aren't new for anyone, you've experienced them, you could probably explain the science better than I could.  But all this has led me to a new amazement for how God created our bodies, and it has made me pay attention to my whole person, rather than just one particular piece.  Especially my spiritual health.

In Psalm 32:3-4 David laments "For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.  For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.  Selah."  

Pause.

Wow.  Walking around with unconfessed sins could affect me physically, sucking away my energy.  So now my relationship with the Lord has implications on my body?  Were there thoughts and emotions that then had implications on my spiritual health?  What else is going on inside me?  What is hindering me from being fully (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually) healthy?  The questions just didn't stop.

I don't have all the answers.  But He's graciously given me some.  So now when I feel stress building in my shoulders I'm quicker to ask questions that deal with the underlying cause.  I confess sin and ask him to deal with those roots, rather than to simply just take away the physical pain.  Have I been trying to carry the world on my shoulders?  Have I been trying to handle everything on my own rather than trusting Him? 

Becoming aware of this stuff is annoying, and painful, yet so good.  

I do a lot more self-examination, and I'm constantly reminded of how far from having a mind or heart like Christ's I really am.  But He's already promised to finish the good work He started - and He's allowing me to be a part. 

He's dealing with the stuff that I can see - praise the Lord!!  And He's teaching me how to beg Him to deal with the stuff I can't see.  The stuff that I'm not even aware is there.  In Psalm 19 David says it like this "Who can discern his errors?  Declare me innocent from hidden faults.  Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression." (Psalm 19:12-13). 

My prayer is this - Father, please continue to help me deal with my mess so that it won't wreak havoc later.  Fill my innermost parts with Your truth.  Help me to be fully healthy, that I might glorify You most. Amen. 

Scripture-Prayers as We Approach the Anniversary

When February began I found myself really wanting time to slow down.  It felt like someone much stronger than me was pushing me forward, but I was trying to resist it with all my might.

February means March is right around the corner.

So I'd like to offer some more scripture-prayers that I'd love for you to pray with us, covering us now and for what's to come.

Thank you again for all your love and support.

• But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9).  Thank You for Your all-sufficient grace, and that in my weakness, You are my strength.

• Thank You that we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Help us then with confidence to draw near to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:15-16).  We are in such great need, and our high priest is intimately aware of our situation and how we feel.  Thank You for helping us, and not abandoning us in our pain.

• Father, help me to fear not, remind me that you are with me; help me to not be dismayed, because you are my God; thank you for your promise to strengthen me, to help me, to uphold me with your righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

• Thank You that Your divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence (2 Peter 1:3).  Lord help me to know You more intimately and remind me that You have already given me all I need, today, to experience the true life that You offer.

• For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; ... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4).  Thank You for ruling over every season.  Help me to remember that You are not just loving, but You are love, and that Your timing is perfect.  Thank You that, through knowing Christ, death is not forever, weeping can turn to laughing, and mourning can turn to dancing.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

The Shouts of God

"The abundance of God's revelation is usually accompanied by a thorn in the flesh

 (2 Corinthians 12:7)."

C.H. Spurgeon, Beside Still Waters

"We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain 

In April, a friend recommended that I subscribe to daily emails from a ministry called GriefShare. These emails have been such a huge encouragement - speaking truths, sometimes very hard truths, at just the right time. For more information about this ministry, or to subscribe to the emails, visit www.GriefShare.org.

This is a piece of the message, from Day 284, that I had in my inbox today:

When logic doesn’t seem to apply and being in control is not an option, you are left feeling vulnerable. This is the point at which you are ready to learn.  Recognize the need to learn more about God in order to live. 

“He learned obedience from what he suffered” (Hebrews 5:8). 

Father God, I am ready to listen and learn from You. Help me to be still before You in worshipful silence. Amen.

This is so true. In grief, the Lord has revealed Himself to me like never before. Like the C.S. Lewis  quote, it's like He is shouting.  Shouting truths I thought I understood, but really didn't. Truths like - He loves me; He is good and He does good; Christ is the true Solid Rock.  

Before this season I probably had a less-than-basic, surface-level understanding. And please don't think I've mastered these truths now. I never will. But I can go deeper into them. That's where He's leading me.  Deeper into His truths. Deeper into Him. 

It's scary and uncomfortable sometimes.  I don't like being reminded of how not in control I am.  It's sobering too. Our days are numbered - each and every one of us.  But I find those same truths to also be very relieving and comforting.  It's good that I'm not in control, because I would be a pretty terrible Ruler of All Things. 

I've already posted lots of things that He is teaching me. But after reflecting on 2013 when the New Year hit, I realize there are so many more.  Here's a list of some of the things I'm learning from His shouting. I hope to expound upon each one in its own post: 

• He is God of the change in seasons
• Grief is like a sickness and He is the ultimate Healer, Restorer
• He is in charge of more things than I will ever be able to comprehend
• He created us whole - mind, body and spirit; each area affects the other
• His word is infinitely powerful, He desires it to sanctify us through and through