Dust to Dust

"All go to one place.  All are from the dust, and to dust all return." Ecclesiastes 3:20

This morning my heart is heavy as I think back to the morning of 5 months ago - March 28.  That morning I got dressed to go to a cemetery.  I put on my dress and aquamarine shoes, new items that I bought for Chase's Celebration service.  Aquamarine is his birthstone, and what I now like to call his lifestone.  I combed through my new haircut.  I put a little makeup on, even though I knew I'd cry through it in the next few hours.  Someone told me I looked nice.  I didn't care.

I sat on the bed in a partial fog - knowing that this would be the second hardest, the second worst, day of life.  

We had a short graveside service.  The pastors shared awesome truths.  Adam compared life to waiting in line at an amusement park.  He said that Chase got to skip the line.  Chase was experiencing the joy that we all longed for in our hearts.  Matt explained 2 Corinthians 4:8.  Though we are afflicted in every way, God lets His children be perplexed.  We get to be confused and ask questions, but, PRAISE GOD, we are never driven to despair.  We have HOPE!

John and Jen played "Never Once" by Matt Redman.  I cried through the whole song.  This was the song Chase was born to.  It has become sweet bookends to his life here.

But apart from the sweetness, there was a harsh sting.  A terrible horror.  There is something wrong with seeing the beginning and end of someone's life.  There is something wrong with being so intimately aware of one person's journey from dust to dust.

I pushed him out at birth.  I got to experience Chase coming from dust - from my body.  And on March 28, though we didn't witness a burial, I knew my baby was going back to dust.

I don't think I realized it at the time, but a close friend told me later that after the service was over, when Ted and I were dismissed to go back to the limo, she saw me look up and smile.

This quote I found later by Robert L. Dabney I think explains why.

"As I stand by the little grave, and think of the poor ruined clay within, that was a few days ago so beautiful, my heart bleeds.  But as I ask 'Where is the soul whose beams gave that clay all its beauty and preciousness?' I triumph."

This is the constant tension I live in.

I have a bleeding heart.  Death makes me have a bleeding heart.  There's something wrong with it.  It was not a part of God's original, good creation.  Death came as a result of sin.

I have a triumphant heart.  I have confidence that Chase is safe in the arms of God.  I triumph because I know I will see him again, and join him in celebrating our God.  I am hopeful because I know that one day sin and death will be no more.

Though You Slay Me

Today is another milestone.  Where I would normally mark it as 5 months since we've been without Chase here, today I'm deciding to mark it as 5 months since Chase has been in Heaven. Rather than always thinking of the things I've missed in 5 months, which are heavy and relevant, today I'd like to think about all he's gotten to experience in those 5 months - pain and suffering not being one of them.

As I read and learn more about the future, forever hope of Heaven and the New Earth that awaits God's children, last week this scripture really started to make sense in my heart -

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

Reading that scripture before March didn't really have much affect on me.  Reading it in April kind of offended me, it came with a sting.  Reading it now brings calm to my heart.  I believe it.  As painful as my pain is, as horrific the suffering, when compared to an eternity of joy, sinlessness and never, ever, suffering again, the pain is put into context.  And it makes me thankful.  Because pain is not what my forever-state will be.

With that in mind, here is a video of two of my favorite artists, who actually served through music at Chase's Memorial Celebration, Shane & Shane, singing Though You Slay Me.

Through God's grace, I believe the lyrics are true.  And they bring comfort to my soul.  The lyrics were written with Lauren Chandler, who first performed the song on her EP.  They have been an overwhelming comfort to me since our season of suffering began.

I come, God I come,
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken, the one who’s torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need 

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes, I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though tonight I’m crying out, “Let this cup pass from me.”
You’re still more than I need, you’re enough
Whether healing in my frame, or if not, it’s just the same
As long as I bring glory to your name

Prayer Requests: 8-20-13

Hello Family,

I'd like to ask you to join me in praying the following scriptures over me and my family - both immediate and extended.  Thank you again for your love and support.

• Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

• I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry.  He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.  He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. (Psalm 40:1-3)

• The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.  (Psalm 9:9-10)

• For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. (Romans 8:5-6)

• Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8)

We love you, are grateful for you, and remember you often in our prayers.

Enough About Me

It seems that as soon as you announce your pregnancy, there's this shift that takes place in the types of questions people ask you.  Before, you were asked about marriage or how work was going, after, suddenly all the questions you get start to center around that baby in your womb.

When I first announced my pregnancy with Jaden someone told me to enjoy my last few months of people asking about me, because as soon as that baby gets here, I'd get pushed to the back burner and the questions I'd answer would be about my child.

I was OK with the shift.  I loved answering questions about Jaden.  And still do.

And the shift continued when I announced my pregnancy with Chase.  And again, I loved it!  Once he was born I loved answering the "How are the boys?" and "What new things is Chase doing this week?" questions.

Sadly, I don't get to answer many questions about Chase anymore.  People are starting to ask questions about me again.  I appreciate the care and concern, it's just that sometimes it feels so foreign.  I haven't had to talk about myself so much in almost 4 years.

I want to talk about my boys!  I want to talk about my Sweetums.  So in honor of what would have been Chase turning 17 months, I'm gonna talk about him.

Chase was such a chill baby.  From the day he was born, he really didn't cry unless he was hungry - but when he was hungry, you knew.  He had a pretty hefty appetite, going from 6 lbs 14 oz to 13 lbs 15 oz in 8 weeks! He doubled his birthweight in 2 months.  (I think the goal is to do that by 6 months, so he was ahead of the game!)

Around 4 months Chase started to drool uncontrollably.  He wouldn't get his first tooth until 7 months, right around Thanksgiving, but he was just juicy!  I have many pictures and videos where he's just as happy as can be playing with his toys, wearing a completely drenched shirt or bib.

You won't find many pictures of him with his mouth closed.  I'm not sure why that is, but I always blamed it on his JBL (juicy bottom lip).  I was convinced it was just weighing him down.  We do have a few pictures with his mouth closed, he's either sleeping or had something in his mouth.  I really loved looking at his juicy little open mouth.  Sometimes I'd just put the tip of my nose in it to steal a nose kiss.  Once he learned to give kisses I'd gladly await the slobbery goodness that was coming for me.

In March, Chase had really started to get around the house.  He had crawling down, and was becoming a master climber.  He'd climb on top of his lego box, step stools, and whatever else he could find.  He could scale the stairs like a champ, and was beginning to learn how to come back down them.  (Though usually once he reached the landing at the top, he'd just sit there because he wasn't confident in coming down.)  He could stand up for about 10 seconds, and then he'd just fall down.  I think he was so close to walking!  I always estimated that he'd start around 13 and a half months.

I've been told that along with grieving the loss of your child you grieve your dreams, hopes, and predictions.  And those are painful to grieve too.

I used to sit Chase in his high chair in front of the TV to watch "Your Baby Can Read" DVDs.  When Jaden was a baby he would watch these with ease, picking up on the words quickly.  Chase, not so much.  That boy would not focus on the screen.  He'd turn his whole body around in the high chair to see what else was going on.  Sometimes I'd sit and hold him, thinking he may be still in my arms.  Nope.  He was always trying to crawl away.  He could care less about the words on the screen or even the songs.  Though he did eventually learn to put his "arms up" when you told him and when he saw the words, I was convinced that Chase was the child that would just need a little more encouragement in school.

I imagined sitting down with a 5-year-old Jaden and a 3-year-old Chase to read a book.  Jaden, who began reading at 3, would read his page with excitement and ease.  He'd then say "Your turn Chase" and Chase would just rip the page or run away.

I pictured the boys being great buddies as they grew older together.  They were gonna be partners. Jaden would be long and lean, he'd be the performer.  Chase was gonna be the big little brother, tall, but wide and stout and very strong, he'd be the bouncer.  He wouldn't have many words for you, the silent type, but he'd get you if you got in his, or his brother's, way.

That's my Sweetums.  Oh how I miss him.

Words from Mom

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.  And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.  And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.

Matthew 7:24-27

At the end of Chase's Memorial Celebration Service on March 28, our pastor, Beau Hughes, shared some words on my behalf.  I'd like to share an expanded version of them here.

While we were organizing the order of service for the Celebration, I had a deep desire to share some things that the Lord had made very clear to me in those first days of our nightmare.  I wanted to include some "Words from Mom" in his service, because I thought people may want to hear from me.  I thought a question many people would have was "What is Danielle thinking?" or "If Danielle could give some advice after this experience, what would she say?"  But knowing I wouldn't have the energy to share them myself, I asked Beau to relay them during the service.

Maybe some would expect me to say something like "hug your babies more" or "the time you get with your children is so sweet and so short, cherish it all you can."  Maybe others would expect me to encourage them to pray with their children more, and train them up in such a way that you end up with no regrets.  

I hugged and kissed Chase all the time.  I quit my job at Accenture as an act of obedience, believing the Lord was asking me to give my time, especially in those early formative years, to my children.  I prayed over Chase every night.  I sang to him every verse of the popular hymn In Christ Alone before he went to sleep, so that he would constantly be bombarded with the truth of the gospel.  I nursed him, played with him, read to him, did learning time with him - and I don't have any regrets.

"Yes" and "Amen" to all these things. I think they are highly valuable and important.  But my "Words from Mom" would not center around any of these things.  In fact, they wouldn't center around Chase at all.

They would center around the triune God of the Bible - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  

In short, my "Words from Mom" were an encouragement for you to believe that God is all that He says He is.  They were an encouragement to do work with the Lord now, and beg Him to help you believe His truth - about Himself and you.

Knowing that I played with Chase as often as I could didn't give me a peace that surpasses all understanding after he passed - that is a grace gift from the Lord.

Teaching Chase some words in sign language didn't protect my heart from playing "what if?" games after he passed - that is a grace gift from the Lord.

Nursing Chase as long as I could didn't give me hope that I'll see him again - that is a grace gift from the Lord. 

For the past three years I have been challenged to constantly ask myself, as I read scripture, books, or listen to sermons, "Do I believe this?"  And not "Do I just cognitively agree with XYZ statement?" but "Do I live in such a way that shows I believe XYZ to be true?"  

Here are some examples of questions He's helped me wrestle through:

• "Do I really believe that God can not lie?" (Titus 1:1)
• "Do I really believe that God is working all things for the good of those who love Him?" (Romans 8:28)
• "Do I really believe that God is good?" (Psalm 119:68)
• "Do I really believe that children are ultimately the Lord's, and that they are gifts He has entrusted me with for a season (however long or short)?" (Psalm 127:3)

It has been a work.  It has been a large effort on my part, enabled by His grace, to choose to believe Him. And as a result, the Lord padded my heart and mind with His truth.  He's been proving Himself as the Solid Rock, and He's been building my foundation on Him.  He's been preparing me to better handle the storms - because they will come.

And of course there are days when I struggle with this.  Days when my own thoughts, or the Enemy's lies, lead me down a path away from the Father's truth.  But by the Spirit, or close friends reminding me of His truth, He is faithful to lead me back down the right path.

So I beg you now to believe that God is who He says He is.  I plead with you to believe that He can not lie, and that His word is truth.

Twenty weeks into grief, my "Words from Mom" have not changed - build your house on the Rock.

Prayer Requests: 8-4-13

Hello Family,

Here are some specific ways you can join us in prayer in this season.  As always, thank you so much for your love and support

• Our Marriage - Please pray for the continued health of our marriage.  Losing a child definitely adds an interesting dynamic, so please pray that we would have extra grace, understanding and patience towards each other.  Pray that we would give each other the freedom to grieve as needed, but that we would grieve together.

• Jaden's Heart - Like ours, his little heart has also been broken, he misses his little brother very much, so please pray for his healing as well.  And again, please pray that this situation would draw his heart closer to the Lord, never farther away, and that we would be given wisdom on how to shepherd his heart during this time.  

• Physical Health - I am 20 weeks (5 months) pregnant today, and so far, my midwife has no pressing concerns regarding the pregnancy.  We had a sonogram on Friday that shows Baby is developing on track.  So please continue to pray for our physical health, and again for personal wisdom to know how best to steward my body during this time (And no, we did not find out the sex of the baby)

• Milestones - Each month comes with its own milestones, and the experience of each is unpredictable. Please pray for peace and comfort as various milestones come and go.  Key milestones are:
• 14th - the day Chase became a month older
• 23rd - the day our lives with Chase here become a month longer
• Holidays and Family Birthdays - these days usually come with memories of celebrating with Chase last year, so are often left bittersweet because of his absence

We love you and are grateful for you.  We are praying for you as well.

The Ugly Truth

For some reason I thought that in a season of grief you get a free pass to act and think how you want.

"I lost my son, so I don't have to care about you or your story" kind of thinking. 

But even in the midst of the pain, The Lord is still faithful to conform me to the image of His Son. That work hasn't stopped. And neither has my personal sin or selfishness. 

The ugly truth in this season is that my heart is not perfect.  It wants to turn its nose up at the pain of others. It wants to elevate itself.  It wants to invalidate the pain of others.

The ugly truth is that my initial heart response to hearing a radio ad about a mom whose son was paralyzed by a texting driver was, "Who cares? You can still talk to and play with your son."

The ugly truth is that I sometimes look at the success of others and think "Oh good, you get to get a promotion in this season.  I get to mourn the loss of my baby."

I am not going to be perfect in this season - I can't be.

But the good news, in the midst of my ugly truths, is that God's grace is still sufficient.  His grace covers my sin.  His grace reveals to me when my heart is not like His.  His grace forgives.  His grace enables me to confess and repent - often.  His grace enables me to obey.

And the greatest news, a beautiful truth despite my internal ugliness and sin,  is that He hasn't left me - and He never will.