8 Months, 9 Months

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126:5-6

This weekend is one of those unique times when we hit 2 key milestones back to back. Yesterday marked eight months of my Sweetums enjoying the beauty of The Lord and Heaven, eight months of him escaping the pains of this world. And since pregnancy months are different than calendar months, today I've hit the nine month mark of my pregnancy. 

So these times are bitter. And they are sweet. 

Scriptures like the one above seem to have their volume turned up during these double milestone times. I'm so freshly aware of my sowing in tears and of my reaping shouts of joy. There are so many different implications of both parts of the verse for me. 

I have cried more than I ever have in life over the loss of my son.  I have shouted with joy that it's not really a loss but, as Randy Alcorn puts it, an interruption. Because I will see my son again.  

I've shouted with joy over the gift of new life The Lord has placed in my womb.  I've cried because this baby, Baby Sonny, won't have big brother Chase here to play with or to protect him or her. 

I've cried in deep, yet godly, sorrow after being made aware of sin - it's always sobering to be reminded how much in need of grace and forgiveness I am. And I've shouted with joy because the Creator of Heaven and Earth loves me with an unconditional, unfailing love, and He'll never run out of the grace and mercy I so desperately need. 

And it's not just the clashing of milestones that brings about this awareness. It really is an ongoing thing. My numbers-oriented mind has a tendency to pause more when the milestones are close, but there are reminders everywhere of this bittersweet truth. And I pray The Lord will give me clear sight, daily, to see them. 

Bittersweet. I'm really starting to like that word. It starts off bitter. But it ends sweet. There's so much truth there. Thank you gracious Father!

He Loves Us, He Loves Me

A beautiful truth has recently taken center stage in my life - God loves me.

I have known this for a long time, but I honestly didn't let this truth sink in to every fiber and fabric of my being. If you asked me if I felt loved by God, I would hesitate to respond. I would say that I knew God loved me. I would point you to the scriptures that show it is true.  Because it is. 

But here's what I was missing - I didn't feel loved. As some people say, this truth hadn't fully made it from my head to my heart. 

So the past few weeks have been a beautiful and yet painful journey. I have clearer sight into my sin of not fully believing God's love for me. I have confessed and repented. I have been sorrowful over missing out on this amazing truth. I have began to reread those scriptures about His love that I thought I once knew so well - and it's like I'm reading them for the first time.  They breathe life into me in a way they never have before. I read other well-known scriptures, ones that I never saw as relating to His love, and now they seem to scream God's steadfast, unfailing love.  

At some level, I understood how foundational the truth of God's love is. He is love. The gospel is anchored on His love. But He's opening my eyes and heart to experience this anchoring truth in a brand new, amazing way.

And oh, how my heart needs it in the midst of loss.

I could share more of what The Lord is showing, and mistakes I've made in the past that contributed to my not fully believing this truth, my not fully feeling His love, but I'd rather finish this post with some of the scriptures I referenced above, and another song The Lord has used to promote healing in me in this season.

"The steadfast love of The Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:14-19

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me."

Psalm 13:5-6

How He Loves by David Crowder Band