Four Months

Well, today is another milestone that no parent every wants to reach.  July 23, 2013 marks four months since I've held and kissed my Sweetums.  Every 23rd that we have seen since March has come with a different set of emotions.  Some are predictable and others are unpredictable.

The predictable ones, the ones that I've experienced in April, May and June are a deep sadness and a longing to see him again.  These predictable emotions involve a lot of remembering and thinking about the things that I'll never do with him again on this Earth.

I won't hear him laugh.  I won't smell his freshly soiled diaper.  I won't feel his slobber on my hands.  I won't feel his slobber in my mouth as he gives me a wet open mouth kiss (something he was just learning how to do when asked).  I won't get to rub my cheek up against his - which was one of my favorite things to do, because he had AWESOME cheeks!  He really did have the best set of cheeks!

And the list goes on.

But today, the unpredictable emotion that I'm experiencing is comfort, and a weird unexplainable joy.  Today more mental and emotional energy has been spent on the things that Chase will never experience on Earth - and the list calms my heart.

Chase will never know a broken heart.  He will never know a day that his needs weren't met.  He'll never know a day where he wasn't surrounded by those who love him.  Chase will never again experience sickness in his body.  He will never again experience the consequences of living in a sinful and broken world.

In a letter to a grieving mother, regarding the reunion she will have with her son in Heaven, John Piper writes, "And he will thank you for giving him life.  He will thank you for enduring the loss that he might have the reward sooner."

Today, though I can't say I'm thankful for the loss, I'm thankful that Chase already has the reward.

The Shadow and the Form

"We tend to start with Earth and reason up towards Heaven, when instead we should start with Heaven and reason down towards Earth.  It isn't merely an accommodation to our earthly familial structure, for instance, that God calls Himself a father and us children.  On the contrary, he created father-child relationships to display his relationships with us, just as he created human marriage to reveal the love relationship between Christ and his bride."

-- Randy Alcorn, Heaven

I have been so encouraged recently in dwelling on this idea.  The idea that Earth is not the starting point of all things, but rather an extension of something greater.  It makes most sense in my head to think about Earth as the shadow of a beautiful form, the form being Heaven, and all that exists there.

Honestly, I have never given much thought to Heaven until this season of grief began.  Until I had a deep, intimate, and personal relationship with a person, who, without warning, suddenly ended up there.  And not just any human, a boy, that I birthed - my son.  

Sometimes it doesn't even seem real that Chase is not here with us - it's still so shocking.  I miss fixing him food, washing his diapers, and practicing sign language with him.  I miss getting the boys dressed for church while Ted is out of town, and then hearing the precious harmonies of two crying children as I try to get my teeth brushed and put on clothes not stained with drool and food.  

I miss the sweet chaos of caring for my two boys.   

But in missing Chase I do not grieve like those who have no hope.  As a follower of Christ, I grieve with hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).  And recently it's been the hope of Heaven that allows my tears to eventually stop.  

The hope of Heaven reminds me that Chase is safe.  He is in a place free of sin and suffering.  He is happy.  He has a never-ending, unable-to-be-stolen joy.  And that brings me great comfort.  As I experience joy and happiness here, I can't help but to think that Chase is experiencing it in a more full, more intensified manner.   The same way our experience is magnified when we interact with the true form of something, rather than its shadow. 

We attended our first wedding since Chase passed last weekend.  And it was fun.  It was a sweet event where we celebrated the union of our friends.  But as I felt the emotions of the day, and thought how happy the couple must be, I was comforted by the fact that we were just enjoying the shadow, and that Chase was experiencing the true form, in all its glory.  I believe Chase is at the ultimate wedding banquet, celebrating and worshiping the Lamb of God, Jesus Christ, and for that I am grateful.  

And what excites my heart even more is that one day my time of experiencing only the shadow will end.  I'll get to experience this awesome form, I'll get to celebrate and worship the Lamb.  

And I'll do it with Chase.

Prayer Requests: 7-17-13

Hello Family,
Here are some specific ways you can join us in prayer in this season.  As always, thank you so much for your love and support

• Peace and Comfort - Please pray for continued peace and comfort, for myself, Ted, and Jaden, but for our extended family as well.  We are begging the Lord to help us trust and rest in Him as we face all the emotions and heartache that come with this very unpredictable season

• Physical Health - We have been given a very welcome, but unplanned, gift in this season.  In April I found out that I was pregnant.  I am now 17 weeks along (4 months), so we are asking that you would pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby.  More specifically, pray that I would be given wisdom and discipline on how to care for my body as it deals with grief as well as a growing baby

• Mental Health: Protection from Lies - Please pray that we'd be protected from harmful, life-stealing lies that may come up through self-talk or philosophies of the world

• Jaden's Understanding of the Lord - Pray that this situation would draw Jaden closer to the Lord, never farther away, and that we would be given wisdom on how to shepherd his heart during this time

We love you and are grateful for you.  We are praying for you as well.

Scriptures and Songs

Scriptures and Songs that continue to breathe life into me on this journey

Psalm 34:18-19 - The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.

Lamentations 3:22-23 - The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Job 13:15 - Though he slay me, I will hope in him;

On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Not For a Moment

You were reaching through the storm
And walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Chorus
And after all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Verse 2
You were singing in the dark
And whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

Chorus
And after all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Bridge
And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me

Chorus
And after all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

Standing on the Solid Rock

It has been 15 weeks since tragedy struck our family - the tragedy of my baby Chase's life ending - unexpectedly, out of the blue.  It came as a shock to everyone.  He is the "miracle baby" that our family was gifted with after 2 miscarriages.   I call him my Sweetums. 

I said in a previous thank you letter to family and friends that everything changed for our family on March 23, 2013.  Everything changed for us, but the Lord did not change.

His goodness towards us did not change.  His faithfulness did not change.  His love did not change.  His intimate understanding of our circumstances did not change.  And none of these ever will.

This is the truth that has been anchoring me in the past 15 weeks.  We travelled a lot as a family early on in this season of grief.  We were counseled that a change of scenery may help in the restoration, that as painful as it would be, it was important to begin making new memories.  So in April we went to the Grand Canyon and to Northern Florida. Both trips were bittersweet - painful yet refreshing, agonizing but relaxing.  

I stared in awe at the Grand Canyon and thought to myself - Chase is with the Creator of this, He's OK.  I took walks on the beach in Florida and just prayed that the Lord would help me to trust Him in this season, and that I would willingly go wherever He's taking us.

Ted and I spent a weekend away in Dallas and laughed hysterically for almost 2 hours at Sinbad's show.  So therapeutic.  I traveled to Flint, MI and Chicago and spent time with a close friend on a "Mommy Vaca."  So revitalizing.

Then travel slowed down for a bit and we finally got to just be home for a while - back to some kind of normal routine.  Then it was time to move to a new house in Denton.  Jaden did swim lessons and a sports class.  We celebrated Father's Day, we went to KAA for a week, we celebrated my birthday - and now we're trying to settle into the new house.

In the midst of all the moving around, and all the change that we continue to see, the truth of the Lord's constancy has continued to occupy my thoughts.  And it is more than comforting.  He does not change.  He does not fail.

Today I am so much more sober-minded than I was on March 22, 2013.  I have understanding and insight that I am grateful for, but really wish I could have learned through some other means.  

Isaiah 26:4 says - "Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting Rock."

I believe this with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  

In some form or fashion, I'm convinced that we'll all experience suffering, pain.  I'm convinced that, in life, the bottom will fall out.  I'm so thankful that when the bottom does fall out, the everlasting Rock never will.