Four Months

Well, today is another milestone that no parent every wants to reach.  July 23, 2013 marks four months since I've held and kissed my Sweetums.  Every 23rd that we have seen since March has come with a different set of emotions.  Some are predictable and others are unpredictable.

The predictable ones, the ones that I've experienced in April, May and June are a deep sadness and a longing to see him again.  These predictable emotions involve a lot of remembering and thinking about the things that I'll never do with him again on this Earth.

I won't hear him laugh.  I won't smell his freshly soiled diaper.  I won't feel his slobber on my hands.  I won't feel his slobber in my mouth as he gives me a wet open mouth kiss (something he was just learning how to do when asked).  I won't get to rub my cheek up against his - which was one of my favorite things to do, because he had AWESOME cheeks!  He really did have the best set of cheeks!

And the list goes on.

But today, the unpredictable emotion that I'm experiencing is comfort, and a weird unexplainable joy.  Today more mental and emotional energy has been spent on the things that Chase will never experience on Earth - and the list calms my heart.

Chase will never know a broken heart.  He will never know a day that his needs weren't met.  He'll never know a day where he wasn't surrounded by those who love him.  Chase will never again experience sickness in his body.  He will never again experience the consequences of living in a sinful and broken world.

In a letter to a grieving mother, regarding the reunion she will have with her son in Heaven, John Piper writes, "And he will thank you for giving him life.  He will thank you for enduring the loss that he might have the reward sooner."

Today, though I can't say I'm thankful for the loss, I'm thankful that Chase already has the reward.