Seasonal Lessons

Chase passed away 6 days before Good Friday, 8 days before Easter - Resurrection Sunday.  John Piper sent Ted a Tweet soon after that included the phrase "Oh, what a season to lose a son."  We had no choice but to have the reality of the season weigh on us.

Before time began God had Good Friday in view.  He planned, before He spoke one piece of creation into being, to sacrifice His only Son, so that a broken people might have fellowship with Him, a holy and perfect and righteous God.  He was willing to have the Son leave His Heavenly home and put on flesh, to walk the Earth as a man for decades.  More than that, He willingly sacrificed His Son - sentencing Him to a death that He didn't deserve.  Sentencing Him to die for a people that hated Him.

I would never do that.  Ever.

As the pain of our loss set in, the magnitude of what God had done kept getting clearer and clearer.  It made me more thankful for the gospel than ever before.  While I was still an enemy of God, out of His great love, God sent the Son to die for me.  He was intimately aware of what it felt like to lose a son - and He endured it all, willingly.  I'll never be able to fully articulate every aspect of what God the Father endured due to the sacrifice of the Son, but I know that it displays a depth of love that is too great to fully comprehend.

And it's through that love that everything I endure is filtered through.  Nothing happens to me that contradicts His love.  That truth doesn't always fully make sense to me, but I lean on it anyway - because it is true.

And now, here we are in the Advent season, celebrating the first coming of Christ as a baby, and looking forward to the second coming of Christ as King.  And again, lessons are heightened because of the season.

As I walk through my church's Advent guide, I'm encouraged to enter back into the anticipation of the Israelites.  A people in darkness had been promised, for centuries, that a light would come into the world, a Savior.  It hasn't been hard to enter into that as we awaited the arrival of our baby.

In the midst of our own season of grief and darkness, very early into it, God placed life in my womb.  He gave us a very tangible hope.  And though this baby was not a promised Messiah that would bring hope to the nations, this baby, a boy, has brought hope and light to our family.

The greatness of the gospel just continues to be revealed to me.  I'll never scale the full heights and depths of the gospel, but it feels like I'm going higher and deeper into it than ever before.  And I pray that others would join me.

So my seasonal lessons are brought full circle.  I was reminded that Good Friday is the reason for Christmas.  Thirty-three years after Mary birthed Christ and laid Him in that manger, she'd witness His brutal, torturous death.

She birthed Him for that horrific day - a day that would mean good news for the world.

Christ was born to die.

Wow.
Amazing.
Grace.

38 weeks 1 day

That's how much time had passed since I'd changed a diaper.  Rocked a baby in the glider.  Buckled two kids into the car.

But on Sunday, December 15 at 4:25 pm we welcomed our third son, Callen Isaiah Anderson, into our family, ushering me back into diaper changes, and glider rocking, and buckling two kids into two car seats.  And I can't even put into words how amazing that feels.

The birth of Callen in one sense ends our season of empty arms.  I have a baby to carry and to nurse.  Ted as a newborn son to rock.  Jaden has a little brother to once again read books to and kiss all the time.  We are all beyond ecstatic.

But the birth of Callen doesn't fully end the season of empty arms, because Callen is not Chase.  And until I get to Heaven, I won't ever have Chase in my arms again.  So my arms are still empty - they still miss Chase like crazy - and they always will.

Callen is a sweet sweet gift.  The Lord has already graciously used him to provide such tangible restoration.  He is a beam of light in the midst of incredible darkness.  And I look forward to every day I get to have him in my arms.

8 Months, 9 Months

Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

Psalm 126:5-6

This weekend is one of those unique times when we hit 2 key milestones back to back. Yesterday marked eight months of my Sweetums enjoying the beauty of The Lord and Heaven, eight months of him escaping the pains of this world. And since pregnancy months are different than calendar months, today I've hit the nine month mark of my pregnancy. 

So these times are bitter. And they are sweet. 

Scriptures like the one above seem to have their volume turned up during these double milestone times. I'm so freshly aware of my sowing in tears and of my reaping shouts of joy. There are so many different implications of both parts of the verse for me. 

I have cried more than I ever have in life over the loss of my son.  I have shouted with joy that it's not really a loss but, as Randy Alcorn puts it, an interruption. Because I will see my son again.  

I've shouted with joy over the gift of new life The Lord has placed in my womb.  I've cried because this baby, Baby Sonny, won't have big brother Chase here to play with or to protect him or her. 

I've cried in deep, yet godly, sorrow after being made aware of sin - it's always sobering to be reminded how much in need of grace and forgiveness I am. And I've shouted with joy because the Creator of Heaven and Earth loves me with an unconditional, unfailing love, and He'll never run out of the grace and mercy I so desperately need. 

And it's not just the clashing of milestones that brings about this awareness. It really is an ongoing thing. My numbers-oriented mind has a tendency to pause more when the milestones are close, but there are reminders everywhere of this bittersweet truth. And I pray The Lord will give me clear sight, daily, to see them. 

Bittersweet. I'm really starting to like that word. It starts off bitter. But it ends sweet. There's so much truth there. Thank you gracious Father!

He Loves Us, He Loves Me

A beautiful truth has recently taken center stage in my life - God loves me.

I have known this for a long time, but I honestly didn't let this truth sink in to every fiber and fabric of my being. If you asked me if I felt loved by God, I would hesitate to respond. I would say that I knew God loved me. I would point you to the scriptures that show it is true.  Because it is. 

But here's what I was missing - I didn't feel loved. As some people say, this truth hadn't fully made it from my head to my heart. 

So the past few weeks have been a beautiful and yet painful journey. I have clearer sight into my sin of not fully believing God's love for me. I have confessed and repented. I have been sorrowful over missing out on this amazing truth. I have began to reread those scriptures about His love that I thought I once knew so well - and it's like I'm reading them for the first time.  They breathe life into me in a way they never have before. I read other well-known scriptures, ones that I never saw as relating to His love, and now they seem to scream God's steadfast, unfailing love.  

At some level, I understood how foundational the truth of God's love is. He is love. The gospel is anchored on His love. But He's opening my eyes and heart to experience this anchoring truth in a brand new, amazing way.

And oh, how my heart needs it in the midst of loss.

I could share more of what The Lord is showing, and mistakes I've made in the past that contributed to my not fully believing this truth, my not fully feeling His love, but I'd rather finish this post with some of the scriptures I referenced above, and another song The Lord has used to promote healing in me in this season.

"The steadfast love of The Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3:22-23

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."

Ephesians 3:14-19

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me."

Psalm 13:5-6

How He Loves by David Crowder Band

Scripture-Prayers for Everyday

Hello Family,

Today marks another milestone - 7 months of Chase safe in the arms of God in Heaven.  I'd like to ask you to join me in praying the following scripture-prayers over me and my family - both immediate and extended - as often as you're willing to labor with us through prayer.  (Many of the prayers have been adapted from Beth Moore's book Praying God's Word.)

The Lord has been gracious to allow us to feel the prayers of the saints, and to experience first hand that "the law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul." (Psalm 19:7)

Thank you again for your love and support.

• Lord, in my heart I plan my way, but You establish my steps. (Proverbs 16:9)  Life isn't going as I planned, but I'm so grateful You're not caught off guard.  You knew everything that would befall me.  Please direct my steps as You determine.  I need You Lord, carry me when I cannot walk.

• I cry to You Lord in my trouble, and You deliver me from my distress. (Psalm 107:13)

• Mighty God, be my rock of refuge, to which I can continually come; give the command to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress. (Psalm 71:3)

• Help me trust in You at all times; help me to pour out my heart to You, God, for you are my refuge (Psalm 62:8). O Lord, help me not be afraid to speak to You what's on my heart. Your word says You know my thoughts and my actions, and even before a word is on my tongue, You know it altogether (Psalm 139:1-4).  You will never be offended when I pour out my earnest despair and bitterness that wells in my heart.  You desire for me to cry out in my agony, and You can take my feelings of anger, dismay, and confusion.  In pouring out my heart to You, I rid myself of soul-cancerous bitterness.  I also make room for You to pour in Your healing.

• You, O God, will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).  You are the only absolute guarantee I have in all of life.  Help me cling to the one thing I can never lose.

We love you, are grateful for you, and remember you often in our prayers.

The Little While

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

1 Peter  5:10

...but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

After a hard day, one night last week I went to bed begging that the Lord would give me the strength and endurance needed to endure the "little while."  I don't know what my "little while" is.  Sometimes I think about it in terms of this very intense season of grief and suffering.  Sometimes I think about it in terms of the time I have left here on this Earth.  Either way, in the grand scale of eternity, it truly is a little while.

And that is comforting.

Not only is the idea of it being a "little while" comforting, I am moved to thanksgiving when I think about the promises the Lord gives in the 1 Peter verse above.  

The God of all grace will restore me.

The God of all grace will confirm me.

The God of all grace will strengthen me.

The God of all grace will establish me.

And my heart continues to be thankful as I read in the Romans 5 verse that the very endurance I need to endure the suffering, the suffering is producing!  And the suffering is like a seed planted that sprouts lots of beautiful things, the last of which is listed being hope.  PRAISE GOD!

He has not left me, and He never will.  The God of all-sufficient grace is providing hope, and endurance, and strength, and restoration.

I've told a lot of people that I'm in a season where I have never been more grateful for the Lord's promises.  This unwanted grief has produced a huge gratitude that the Lord really does provide for us what we need - I just need to believe Him, take Him at His word.

I've never been more thankful for the Lord's promises of peace and comfort and joy and abundant life, for those who trust in Him, than I am right now.  Because I see now that, in the depths of despair, this is what my heart longs for.  It doesn't long for money, or a particular dress size, or a problem-free life.  To steal a phrase from my pastor Matt, those are not "warm blankets to the soul."  But God's promises absolutely are.

Second Peter 1:3 says "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence."  Dear friends, I pray you get to know this amazing God who is good and faithful - He always keeps His word.

Therefore, I have an unshakeable confidence that I will make it through my "little while."

Nature's Remedy

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:19

The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. 

Psalm 19:1

For those of you who are local, though the title of this blog appears to be a shameless plug for a business that I love, owned by a woman that I greatly respect and admire, I can assure you it is not.  This post really is about how restoring and healing I have found nature to be in this season.

The scriptures listed above are two that caught my eye back in April and have had a lasting impression on me ever since.  In reading 1 Peter 4:18, I was kind of shocked that Peter referenced the fact that God is Creator in the verse.  I'm not sure what I expected to see there instead, but I found myself unable to move quickly past that word.  So I started to think about what it meant to entrust my soul to a faithful Creator, and pretty soon just found myself thinking about the beauty and wonder of creation.  

I found myself reading the creation account in Genesis 1 and 2, and asking myself a question from a Bible study I did years ago - "What kind of God creates like this?" And I was reminded beautiful characteristics of our Creator, here are just a few: intentional, creative, One who brings order to chaos, intimately involved in the details, the Creator and modeler of rest, all-powerful, all-sustaining, good.

After that I started to admire nature more - it was just raw creation.  Man's hand was absent from making it beautiful. Instead it was God's voice alone that had spoken it into being, and His oversight that had sustained it.  And it helped me to better understand how big my God is.

So, I stared at the Grand Canyon with awe.  I remember feeling a peace because the Creator of this masterpiece was watching over me - and He was watching over Chase.

I went on a prayer walk up and down the beach in Florida and just couldn't take my eyes off the water. I couldn't see where it stopped.  It was breathtaking.  The Creator of this was asking me to entrust myself to Him.

I went on a mini-hike near Branson, MO one morning in October and was just speechless as I witnessed the changing colors of the lake and the sky and the trees as the sun rose higher and higher in the sky.  I thanked God that I had the chance to behold such beauty, even on this fallen Earth.  And then I found myself excited, looking forward to the reunion I would have with Chase in the New Heavens and the New Earth. Looking forward to beholding beauty there that far outweighs anything I will ever see here.  I speak of the beauty of The Lord of course, but also of the indescribable beauty of the New Earth - the renewed creation.

The weather has transitioned from the hot Texas summer to an overwhelmingly refreshing fall.  I forgot how beautiful this season is - it's slowly becoming my favorite. And because of that I find myself sitting outside a lot more.  I go for walks as often as I can.  I want to feel the chill in the air.  I want to breathe in crisp air.  I want to behold the changing color of the leaves.  Because when I do, I always feel just a little bit better.  There's something life-giving about the creation.

Maybe because the Creator is the ultimate Life-giver.

Walk to Remember

This past Saturday family and friends joined me for an event called Walk to Remember hosted by a non-profit organization called M.E.N.D - Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death.  The event isn't so much a walk, as it is a program that allows families to come together and celebrate their child, or children, that went to be safe with the Lord in Heaven much sooner than any of us would want - through miscarriage, stillbirth, or a short life outside the womb.

Chase was the oldest child remembered at the Walk.  I think the next oldest, was 8 months, and even that is on the older end of the spectrum for the children usually remembered at this event.  The majority of the families were remembering children that did not survive even a week outside the womb.

It was an emotional day.

After we checked in, we headed to a room where tables had been set up for families to display items of the child they were remembering.  Barely able to see through my tears, I set up a few pictures of Chase,  the program from his Celebration Service, a onesie, a jacket, a book, and his Sophie the Giraffe rubber teething toy.  My mom and sister later added another book, picture, and a blue hooded towel.

It was so sad to set this up.  One part of me didn't want to be there.  I didn't want to be remembering my child, setting out objects that I wouldn't ever see him use again.  But the other part of me was so excited to be there.  Proud to be celebrating my son.  Excited for the chance to talk about him and answer questions about him.

I walked around to see all the memory tables.  I flipped through a picture book that a grieving mom put together on the one year anniversary of her daughter's birth - and death.  I looked at countless memory boxes filled with onesies, blankets, and hospital bracelets of babies that never left the hospital alive.  I saw quilts that had been sewn for miscarried babies.  I saw countless pictures of urns, small caskets and gravesite markers.

The sites were sobering.

The program continued in a large field outside the church.  Two women at the podium read from a list of names.  They took turns saying "We remember" followed by a child's name and their corresponding life dates.

There were a lot of names.

There were a lot of singular dates.  Which meant miscarriage, stillbirth, or that the baby took his last breath the same day he took his first.

Hearing this list is what made me realize that Chase was the oldest baby remembered on Saturday.  And in the midst of the sadness and tears, I was able to be thankful.

Thankful that I had a healthy labor and birth.
Thankful that I had heard his cry.
Thankful that I had felt his slobber run down my cheek.
Thankful that I had seen him crawl.
Thankful that I got to celebrate his first birthday with him.
Thankful that I have 375 days of memories.

I left the event thankful for Chase's life.  And I prayed that God would be gracious to all the other families, and show them how they too could be thankful in the midst of their grief.  

This week in my Bible study homework I read 1 Thessalonians 5:18.  It says "give thanks in all circumstances." (emphasis mine)  On Saturday, the Lord helped show me how that really is possible to do, even in the worst of times.

Milestones

Each month comes with its own set of milestones.  But September has been a month of somewhat more weighty milestones than others.

On September 2, Ted and I celebrated 7 years of marriage.  We toasted to God's grace getting us through almost 6 months of grief.  Probably not something you're gonna find on an anniversary card.

Some of the milestones, unfortunately, are what I call missed milestones.

September 14 Chase would have been 18 months old.  But there was no doctor's appointment. There was no weight check and a new percentile to write down and tell my family and friends.  I didn't get to have the fun conversations with my mom friends about how huge Chase was in comparison to their kids.  How his Samoan and Guillory genes were showing out!

Chase didn't get to accompany me this year to dropping Jaden off at his first day of preschool. He didn't get to see Jaden at sports class, hit the ball the farthest off the T. He wasn't sitting in my lap as we watched Jaden attempt his first karate class last night.  It seems that for every milestone or new experience we go through with Jaden, not only do we mourn the fact that little brother is not there to watch, but we have to mourn the truth that little brother won't get the chance to do those activities.

And then there's the non-missed milestones, the actual ones that you really don't want to hit.

Monday, September 23 marked 6 months of Chase being safe in the arms of God in Heaven.  On Monday the tension of the bleeding, yet triumphant, heart was intensified.  On one side I was thankful that he's OK, that I'll see him again, that the end of this story is happy.  Yet on the other side I was immobilized by heartache, taken down to a pit that I'll seem to never escape.

But it's in that pit where I have had some sweet moments with the Lord.  I'll write more about those later, but I find this C.S. Lewis quote to be beautifully and painfully true:

"Pain insists upon being attended to.  God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains." 

God is shouting in these milestones - both missed and actual, and He has graciously given me ears to hear.

Death Has Died

Music has been such a huge part of my restoration process.  So today I just wanted to share another song that has been instrumental (no pun intended) on this journey.  This song has been very encouraging, especially to me and Jaden.  It's called "Death Has Died" and it's from Andy Mineo's album Heroes for Sale.

This song is a celebration of the truth that one day there will be no more death.  Because of sin this world is broken, our hearts are broken.  Through the life, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ, those who love and worship him can have healed hearts, and restored fellowship with God the Father.  We still live, however, in a broken world.  A world with sin, suffering, disease, disaster, despair.

But there is a day coming when Christ will return and all will be made new. The sad things will become untrue. Tears of pain and sadness will be no more - God will wipe them all away. The song chants near the end "AND DEATH WILL BE DEAD AND WE'LL LOCK THE CASKET, YES!!"  I shout this truth in excitement every time I hear the song.

Not only has it been so healing for me, but since Jaden is such a fan of hip-hop, especially all things Reach Records, it has allowed us to have some beautiful conversations.  He listens intently to the lyrics and then asks me questions:

"Andy said his Grandma died.  Just like Chasey died?"

"God is going to one day wipe away every tear from my eyes?"

We discuss topics that I never thought I'd talk about with my 3 year old, but I'm praying the Lord would allow the seeds that are being planted to blossom into truths that Jaden embraces and believes, truths that he'll anchor his life on.

This weekend I attended the Unashamed Conference in Atlanta and was reminded by Francis Chan that, as believers in Christ, we know there is a better day coming, and that's why we can be unashamed of the gospel. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:19 "If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied." But he goes on to explain that Christ has in fact raised from the dead! And those in him have an amazing future hope! A hope that includes forever-life and the destruction of every enemy! The last enemy to be destroyed is death! (1 Corinthians 15:26)

PRAISE GOD!!

I included the video just so you could hear the song and I put the lyrics below because there are a few that are off in the video (the errors don't change the meaning, but I wanted to be true to the Artist's original words).

It was just last week that my grandma died
It's been years since I've seen family on my fathers side
A bitter sweet, moment but tell me why
Nothing less then the sting of death brought us together 
I sat and listened to the priest tell lies
To appease loved ones in their seats
When you looking at a face that's weaping
The grim truth wont bring'em no peace
So I put on, all white gloves like Mr. Jackson
Carried the casket to the Cadillac then
I realized this is the first time that me and my brothers ever did something together
Whatever, I'm grown now come on let's just put on the smiles
And take pictures, take pictures
Uh
Eat this humble pie then leave them dishes
For somebody else to clean 'em until I see ya'll again

(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
Everything here is breaking down
(Br-br-Breakin' down, breakin' down)
It's all breaking down down down
(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
Everything here is breaking down 
(Breakin' down, breakin' down)
But this wont be forever no

You used to make me cry
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes
He'll come make all things right
And we'll sing death has died

But until that day
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh
This won't be forever
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh,
This won't be for ever

I hopped off the plane
My God, what a scene that I seen on that TV screen
People huddled round, hands on they mouth
Not again, same problem, it hit a new town
26 dead, 20 of 'em kids
Where do you begin when some lives just ended?
And everybody got the question:
If God's so good how He let this happen?
Is it mental health? Is it gun control?
Is it we make superstars out of animals?
Is it the movies we make? The video games?
I dunno, but God I want an antidote
All I know is this world is broken
Our sin is the reason it ain't like it's supposed to 
Words fall short tryna comfort the grieving
But you gotta know that there's hope to believe in
One day my God gon' crack the sky
He gon' bottle up every tear that we ever cried
Bring truth to every lie, justice for ever crime
All our shame will be gone and we'll never have to hide
No more broken hearts, no more broken homes
No more lockin' doors, no more cops patrollin'
No abusive words, or abusive touches
No more cancerous cells that'll take our loved ones
No more hungry kids, no more natual disaster
No child will ever have to ask where his dad is
No funerals where we wear all black
And death will be dead and we'll lock the casket
Yes!

You used to make me cry (you used to make me cry)
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes (every tear from our eyes)
He'll come make all things right (all things right)
And we'll sing death has died
But until that day
You used to make me cry (you used to make me cry)
But one day He'll wipe every tear from our eyes (every tear from our eyes)
He'll come make all things right
And we'll sing death has died

But until that day
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh
This won't be forever
Until that day
Oh, until that day
Oh, oh, oh,
This won't be forever